Actual conversation

F: So what are you going with this evening? Black beards delight or a scent that is banned in 7 countries?
M: Sex Panther. Although there's not much time so I'm going to have to work fast and take the long way home.
F: I suggest nothing but bike shorts and a midriff tank top when you walk in the door. And if you can magically add a handle bar mustache to your face before then all the better.
M: Long socks with one red and one yellow stripe at the top and some all white chuck taylors as well? Also remember I'm going to the airport so I don't want to be stopped by airport security for concealing a weapon in my bike shorts.

Homeless man named Travis Henry impregnates high school

I saw that story when it broke yesterday and my reaction was, what is really going on here? I thought the point of sex education was to teach people to have safe sex but also warn people about teenage pregnancy. Instead it appears that they went the opposite way here in terms of teaching the dangers of teenage pregnancy. I've heard of people who wanted children very badly, I don't have any problem with it. I've even heard teenage girls saying they want to have a child, but it was rare. This entire situation seems counter intuitive and counterculture to the direction society has been going here in the US. I'm all fine with counterculture in small doses but I sort of draw the line when it drastically impacts not just your life but your family's lives, and in this case the life of your soon to be born child.

It's not a fad or a cry for attention which is what this story seems to imply. If you don't have any friends go out for the rugby team or something, I hear the AV club sports a sufficient number of people who don't have anyone to love them, why don't you go hang out with them? But don't sleep with a cast out ex-pro football player who doesn't pay child support for all the children he's already fathered. That's just bad judgement, you're not gonna have a good time.

Girls Gone Retarded

If you haven't heard about this yet you are lucky because it made me want to cut off my penis. Why you ask? Well my penis may cause me to one day have a daughter. I know what yuo are thinking, little girls are so cute and you will love her like in that AT&T commercial. Well what if that little girl you loved decided that she and 16 of her friends should get pregnant at the same time, while 15 years old? What if she decided to let a local homeless man knock her up? How would you react to that? I could go one of two ways, neither of them are good. So goodbye penis, its been fun...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25272678/

Game 7 predictions

The Lakers, having already been pathetically eliminated without so much as a whimper, will wash the cars of each Celtics player and then lay down submissively to provide a human bridge so that the Celtics players don't get their feet wet in their still moist driveways.

What this finals taught me was that the Atlanta Hawks is apparently a better team than the Lakers. The Lakers weren't really in the game starting with the second quarter, hey guys, wake up, IT'S THE DAMN NBA FINALS! PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY WATCHING THIS SHIT UNTIL YOU WERE DOWN BY 30. People can praise the Celtics for being very good, and they are, but what the hell happened to the Lakers? Did they all of a sudden forget how to play defense? Did Michael Jackson and his cadre of children promise Kobe some quality time? Did they all of a sudden decide that, hey we haven't been embarrassed on national television enough, let's go out there and get blown out so badly that it looks like we didn't belong in the same building. God bless the NBA marketing team for trying to hype this match up, trying to reach back and recapture all the history this rivalry has meant. This rivalry is effectively nothing more then media hype anymore, NONE of the games were great, very few of them were even halfway interesting. What the heck happened to the Lakers? You beat the Spurs and yet you get dominated by the Celtics.

Game 6 Prediction

Not that anyone cares or actually reads this blog, which they don't, but I would like to weigh in on tonights Game 6 in the NBA Finals.

My on the record pick is....Celtics 106 - Lakers 95

Too much rebounding, defense and Paul Pierce. Also, I have a feeling Kevin Garnett's dead body will wake up and remember that he is supposed to be better then PJ Brown at this point in his career.

Lastly, Kobe is a kid toucher.

But why stop the savings there?

Think about it Marty, there are so many people out there preaching fiscal responsibility when it comes to conserving the worlds limited supply of fine champaigne. Unlike those frivilous bastards in Indycar and the F1 series NASCAR is the picture of conservation. The only champaigne they pop after a win is the champaigne of beers (bonus points if you know the brand). Honestly they are amazing, they turn 1 pair of jeans into 3 pairs of jorts and use the savings to buy dip and new boobs for their women. I love every second of it and want some of that action.

Another way to look at this phenomenon is to look at teams who try to suck in order to prevent such celebratory bruhaha. Prime examples are your Kansas City Royals, LA Clippers, etc. By putting together rosters with no hopes of winning the owners can sit back and laugh all the way to the bank with the money they will not have to spend on champaigne. That is unless they buy some Andre to celebrate breaking .500.

New Precedent in Financial Savings for Athletes

So the great news this morning is that there was finally a case of a professional athlete practicing some fiscal responsibility. According to this story Javon Walker (WR, Oakland Raiders) was beat up last night and found unconscious on a street off the Las Vegas strip. But that's not necessarily the good news for Javon. The good news is that on Sunday night Javon was apparently spraying Dom Perignon Rose champagne all over the place at the Wynn hotel. This has led several pundits and peers to wonder why the hell he was spraying less expensive champagne around a nice hotel, one source was cited as saying, "Yo man you gots to have that Cristal when you are wetting them bitches down." However some financial analysts are praising Javon's choice of champagne, citing the massive savings he benefited from by choosing a less expensive champagne to waste by spraying all over one of the nicest hotels in Vegas which probably charged him for the damages. One analyst said, "Well, I guess if you are going to wet down an entire section of an expensive hotel with champagne, I'd hope you were using a less expensive champagne, I mean how frivolous was he trying to be? It's not as if he's driving a Rolls Royce Pickup truck or anything."

The information of Javon's tremendous fiduciary responsibility has spread like wildfire thought financial services brokers in the country, specifically those who service professional athletes. They are now telling all clients to switch to cheaper spraying champagnes when holding a victory celebration and at times when it becomes necessary to spray a bunch of women with said champagne. How was this cost cutting measure not implemented earlier? This oversight seems almost unforgivable, and it seems likely that many will be switching financial specialists after this new discovery, especially NASCAR team owners (except for Petty Enterprises who cited the fact that they never have to use champagne and thus would not incur any cost savings).

So bravo Javon, you've inspired rapid change and widespread news of how to correctly bathe people in champagne. However you haven't been able to revolutionize the "let's get beat up for putting ourselves in a dumb situation" contingency plans. As another writer said, "When you are that stupid to put yourself in bad situations when you have just signed a massive new contract and are coming off of an injury you deserve everything that happens to you." I for one couldn't agree more. I guess what Javon losses in common sense and life lessons, he makes up for with wise financial planning and decisions.

Marty Jenkins
Financial Analyst

The Excellence of Execution

Rocco did choke, but can you really fault him for it? The pressure must have been crushing, both all the way through the playoff and the entire Open. For goodness sake the man mouthed "come on drop" before/during Tiger's second to last putt. It must have been emotionally draining for Rocco, not to mention the physical strain of wearing that sweater vest. But we should all feel sorry for Tiger and his knee since all he has going for him now is his billion dollars, legions of adoring fans, 14 major championships, and at the end of all that he has to go home to his physically perfect wife (who as my colleague stated, is in fact the ugly twin). Rocco hopefully will continue to be a mainstay at major tournaments, the guy gives great interviews.

Vince McMahon and his organization are facing the same problems that many long running soap operas, daytime television shows, and Law and Order are facing. How do you keep the stories fresh and interesting? This is especially true with professional wrestling where there hasn't been any real new conventions for maybe a decade or more. The stories repeat themselves in cycles, and at this point Vince needs to fire the writing staff and start anew. Like the Batman movie franchise they just need to completely reinvent themselves. Get back to basics, back to what made professional wrestling great, good wrestling. All the gimmicks and stories in the world don't have as much draw as a technically proficient (read: perfect) match between two wrestlers. Let's see some matches end the way matches are supposed to end, not with the ref getting knocked out, not with outside interference, but with one man laying on top of the other for a three count after a devastating finishing move. Let's resurrect the corpse of Curt Henning and get Bret Hart out of retirement and let's see some perfect wrestling (from Mr. Perfect and "The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be"). Without great technical matches I just don't care (I also haven't watched wrestling consistently for 10 years or so) I'd rather watch American Gladiators while drinking my Bud heavy.

And so it begins....

So a little recap of day 1 on our blog... Tiger wins (surprise, surprise), Bud is good (a commonly known fact) but not as good as when Dale Jr. endorsed it, and Vince McMahon is crazy. Wait we didn't talk about Vince McMahon yesterday? Oh that's right, I got lazy and didn't post anything like I was supposed to. Well using my magical powers of greatness I am just going to pretend that I did and you are going to have to deal with it. Anyway back to Vince. I wonder what the meeting with his family was like when he decided he was going to give away millions of his own money to people watching his show because no one in fact was watching his show anymore. It makes perfect business sense. You get people to turn into a wrestling program to win money, you barely show any wrestling, like maybe 3 matches in 2 hours of television, and then you expect them to stick around after you stop giving money away. Lets hope that cash come with a lot of cold Bud's and maybe a Diva. One last thing, how long do you think it will take these people to blow through their newly found wealth? A day? A week? What is the over under on the number of male winners that end up at a strip club or blowing it on an escort service? I am going to set the line at 4.

As for Tiger, he is great and he won hooray hooray. But let me be the one to say what no one else wants to say, Rocco choked. That is how El Tigre won, not because of his greatness. Rocco had several putts to close him out on both days and choked but he is a nice guy and Tiger is a bizzillionaire so everyone will ignore that fact. Whatever, he still married the ugly twin....

Bud is good, but now I'm Amp'd up! (Think the NASCAR marketing got to me?)

Oh Tiger

I, like many people have to work today instead of going to watch Tiger Woods and Rocco Mediate play their 18 hole playoff. It's being played at Torrey Pines, which is a couple miles down the road from where I live now, and Tiger and Rocco are currently tied through 14 holes after Rocco has come back from being two strokes down. I'll be happy of the outcome regardless of who emerges as the winner. I love Tiger, just like 95% of all American Non-Racists (ANR's), but Rocco gives very entertaining interviews and he seems like a really decent guy. Plus there's always the soft spot I have for the underdog.

What does bug me a little bit is how much people are making out of Tiger's injured knee. I mean he had a minor knee surgery and now people are acting like he's playing with several bullet wounds and one of his legs cut off. Not to take anything away from Tiger, it's very hard to perform like he has after knee surgery, and he is by far the world's greatest golfer in my opinion. Greatest of all time, he has to beat out more golfers from more places then Jack Nicklaus or any of the other greats did. But golf isn't a terribly physically demanding sport (paging John Daly). Most professional athletes that have had this same operation done are normally back in 6 weeks or less, most of them play sports like football, soccer, or basketball. All of which are sports which are much more demanding one the knee joint than golf.

I wish Tiger luck, he deserves everything he has worked so hard to get. The man is apparently a workout machine, some kind of monster in the gym. Who knows he might even win another major today (although he's now losing by one stroke through 15). Is Tiger playing well for having had a minor knee surgery two months ago? Yes, he's playing like he's the best golfer in the world (which he is). But he's not blocking, or pushing, or jumping over 300 lbs. men who's only job in the world is to beat your ass. He's not jumping in the air to try and stop one of the best athletes in the world from dunking on him, or breaking his ankles trying to stop a crossover dribble. He's also not running as hard as he can for 90+ minutes while cutting and kicking constantly.

Hail to the King Baby

We've decided to co-author a blog, and I'd like to start it off by allowing everyone to gaze into the infinate wisdom of my co-author with a comment he gave me this morning:

Me: "I think I may stop drinking again. I had a hangover all day when I drank the equivalent of 3-4 beers. Just completely ridiculous."

Him: "That is sad Marty, you are better then that. Go back to the King, he will never steer you wrong and has a taste that won't leave you banged up."

I should have thought of this earlier, Bud heavy has never steered me wrong. That and it's a meal in a can, how do you bea that? Truly it is the King of beers.