College Football Weekend October 11th, 2008

Far far shorter column this weekend, based solely on my schedule. I've got so much time and so little to do...wait, reverse that. (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder reference). I really wish I had more time this week to dedicate to writing this column, but sadly I am busy saving orphans from burning school buses and helping poindexters learn how to dance. I'll say this, as I sat at the bar last weekend doing my laundry and watching the Vanderbilt game, I was shocked to see them not screw up the game. I figured they would throw an interception, or fumble, or let up a big play. They didn't, and I'd like to apologize to all the patrons of the bar who had to listen to me predict that they would. I'm sorry. And to atone, I'm going to buy you all a beer (beer can only be redeemed during happy hour at Dave's Tavern in San Diego).

Comments:
"How can teams like Ball State even be ranked? Period? -Chris"
Because they've won six games without losing? But more importantly how aren't Northwestern and Tulsa ranked. I'll tell you why, it's because the Big 12 plays powderpuff schedules and has like 14 teams that haven't lost.

"What offense will Auburn run this week? Since they fired their offensive coordinator and all. - Spike"
I'm shocked that they fired their coach. Like, surely somebody must have pointed out to them that running the spread offense well, in any conference, takes a couple of years to implement. Nobody runs it well at first, it usually takes a year of implementation and a year of recruiting to get the people you need. Not to mention in the SEC you have to face the country's toughest defenses every week, so there it might take longer. I just think it was a bad decision to let him go that fast. They will be running the I formation primarily this weekend where they put up 100 yards total.

" Sure, you predicted the Wisconsin loss to Ohio State. But did you know the Wisconsin Band held the key to victory, and better yet, did you know that they were going to be suspended for the game!?- Tuna"
I did know that they were going to be suspended, and as you said yourself, " !!!!THE GREAT AND WISE SWAMI KNOWS ALL!" Well it's a little thing I like to call clairvoyance. It let's me get half price coats at Joseph Banks once every 15 seconds when they have a new sale. But in all seriousness, I actually think having a band play during a game is important. It, like all music, brings reactions and other important emotions to not just the fans but the players. I know when I was in high school, our band was so good that you just got so darn pumped when they played. When I would block and the running backs would run into the end zone music was our reward. And it was good.

Games:
#5 Texas vs. #1 Oklahoma - I think the most perplexing thing about this game, is why did they change the name. The Red River Shootout conjures images of dustbowls and cowboys and long held grudges that never fade. The Red River Rivalry is lame and at most it makes you imagine that perhaps someone was slightly dirty when they took a bath in that river. The more pressing issue is that neither of these teams have played anyone yet that has showed me how good they are. It's true, the Sooners of Oklahoma have played TCU and Cincinnati, who were both decent. But both games were just such horrible beatdowns that it's hard to get a read on how good QB Sam Bradford really is. Texas has played nobody, so you can't even say that QB Colt McCoy has gotten better because he's been playing against JV teams. Analysts have said that this is a more physical Teas defense then they've seen in the past decade or more, but that doesn't seem right because the toughest meanest defense I've ever seen was the Longhorns when they won the National Title in 2005. I predicted earlier in the year that the cows would beat the settlers, but I'm floundering a little bit (or as they say in Texas being yeller...at least I think they say that). Oklahoma is good and they should win but this team really reminds me of the same type of team earlier in the decade who played nobody all year, and then Jason White and the rest of the team got killed in the National title game. I think people may have forgotten a little bit about those debacles, but watch it happen again.

Notre Dame at #22 North Carolina - In a beer haze late Saturday night I had the Notre Dame Fighting Irish in my top 25. And just like waking up to an ugly chick next to you that you don't remember, I woke up next to a list that I couldn't believe I'd done. So I did what I might normally do in that situation (it's been 4 years at least by the way), I cooked the list breakfast and then promised to call and then never spoke to it again. But here we are some weeks later, and who did I see at the bar but Notre Dame playing against the ACC's own North Carolina Tarheels. This is a game that ultimately boils down to the defenses and who can play the pass better. But I'm not going to elaborate on that and instead I'm going razzle dazzle and distract you to talk about the two quarterbacks in the golden domer's QB Jimmy Clausen and the umm light blue domer's QB Cameron Sexton(who I assume is starting). Jimmy has the worst hair cut I've ever seen, it's like a throwback to the 80's because it's long and busted and obnoxious, here's a tip Jimmy, cut it. Sexton has recently had to register his arm as a weapon since it was found to be a rifle.when he stepped off the bench and shot up Miami. I think North Carolina wins, otherwise look forward to a week of every college football columnist in the country talking about the luck of the Irish and touchdown Jesus and revenge since they play their old coach next week. Also I'm awarding $5 to whomever can tell me off the top of their head what a Tarheel is.

#23 Michigan State at Northwestern- Does it seem fair to you that Northwestern has not lost and Michigan State who has only lost once is ranked? Well life's not fair and Northwestern are going to find that out when the Spartan's RB Javon Ringer runs all over them in a blowout for Michigan State.

#17 Oklahoma State at #3 Missouri - I've been saying for weeks that Missouri is the best team I've seen all year. They are amazing on offense with QB Chase Daniel and WR/RB/KR/Chef/Drummer Jeremy Maclin. The tigers have put up some sickeningly good offensive stats this year. All that means is that I'm going to have to back peddle really fast when the Oklahoma State Cowboys win. So go Missouri, let me please sit atop my high horse for at least one more week. This game brought to you by Smith and Wesson, who always enjoy a good shootout.

#4 LSU at #11 Florida - You would have a tough time believing that the Gators of Florida would be able to overcome the LSU Tigers when they were unable to put up much offense again Ole Miss. But the Tigers soon to be in the NFL starting defensive tackle threatened the health of Florida QB and former Heisman winner Tim Tebow. They gators must be furious at that, and they will play with the intensity and fire of 1000 suns. This game will be a knock down dragout brutally slugfest (see that just makes me think of slime) between two SEC defenses that are hungry, in some cases quite literally. Florida has a better offense then Auburn, who almost beat LSU a couple weeks ago, and WR/RB Percy Harvin is due for a huge game this year. It's been almost two decades since the defending national champion played the previous year's winner, Dr. Coin takes the Gators in a big win at home.

#6 Penn State at Wisconsin - This game will go a long way in telling us who will win the Big 10 this year. If the Nittany Lions of Penn State win convincingly then they are a solid bet to go undefeated through the rest of the conference. If the Wisconsin Badgers (who I believe will have their band back) win then it's pretty much a tossup who wins the Big 10. Look for Fairfax Virginia's own WR Deion Butler to have a big impact on the game for Penn State. He'll probably be playing all the special teams return positions so he could break the game wide open at any point. Wisconsin will be looking to avenge last weeks loss and RB P.J. Hill will hope to return to the time of two years prior, his freshman year when he torched Penn State for 148 yards. This game should be nothing like his freshman year however, since Penn State's offense is nothing like that and they will put up at least 6 points in a win at Wisconsin.

Cornell at Harvard - Kickin it old school with some Ivy up in Allston, Mass where the Harvard Worthless Business School Masters Degrees take on the Cornell It Gets Really Cold and Lonely Up Here in the Winter's. It's a published fact that more then one Harvard MA in your company or team will lead to failure, but Senior QB Chris Pizzotti is hoping to shake that stigma and lead the Crimson to victory. The Cornell Big Red will rely on senior QB Nate Ford to try and show Harvard which shade of red is superior. Ivy league games are as exciting as huge SEC contests, you never know who's going to win and they really leave it all on the field since they don't need it in the classroom where their grades are inflated. Cornell is the team to beat in the Ivy League this year, and they haven't beaten Harvard since 2005, so I pick the Big Red in a win.